Unmasking the Family Hero: Reflections on Supernormal

If you’ve ever been told you’re “so strong,” “so resilient,” or that you “have it all together,” Supernormal: The Secret World of the Family Hero by clinical psychologist Meg Jay might really resonate with you.

In this book, Jay explores what it means to grow up in the face of adversity — and still find a way to thrive. She shines light on the “family hero,” the person who learned early on to keep it together, rise above challenges, and take care of others, often at the expense of their own emotional needs.

The Hidden Struggles Behind Strength

So many of the women I work with fall into this “family hero” pattern. They’ve learned to be capable and self-sufficient — sometimes because they had to be. Maybe they grew up navigating family conflict, emotional neglect, illness, or loss. Maybe they were the “good one,” the caretaker, or the achiever — the one who made things okay for everyone else.

From the outside, these women look successful, calm, and grounded. But inside, they may carry a deep sense of loneliness, exhaustion, or an ongoing pressure to keep performing, achieving, and proving their worth.

Jay reminds us that about 75% of people experience significant adversity by age 20 — which means far more of us are carrying invisible histories than we might realize.

Resilience Is Complex

What I appreciate most about Supernormal is how Jay honors the complexity of resilience. She shares stories — from both her clinical practice and public figures— that remind us resilience isn’t just about “bouncing back.”

Sometimes, it’s about coping well enough to survive, even if parts of us go unseen or unmet along the way. True healing, she suggests, comes not from ignoring our pain, but from making space to process it — to finally acknowledge what we’ve carried and how it shaped us.

The Duality of Strength and Vulnerability

One of Jay’s key insights is that strength and vulnerability are not opposites; they coexist. Many “supernormals” struggle with feelings of inadequacy, perfectionism, or impostor syndrome — believing they should be able to handle everything on their own.

But real strength often looks like letting someone in. It’s sitting in the discomfort of allowing yourself to be supported, cared for, or even seen — not just for your achievements, but for your humanity.

As I often tell clients, healing isn’t about “fixing” what’s wrong with you — it’s about reconnecting with the parts of you that had to go into survival mode and offering them the compassion they didn’t receive back then.

A Closing Thought

Supernormal is an empowering and compassionate read for anyone who’s ever felt they had to be “the strong one.” It invites us to rethink what resilience really means and to honor both the courage it took to get where we are and the tenderness it takes to heal.

If this idea resonates with you — if you’ve always been the helper, the caretaker, the achiever — know that it’s okay to set that armor down sometimes. You don’t have to carry it all alone anymore. 

If you’re ready for more support as you explore your own patterns of strength, resilience, and healing, my team and I would love to offer support. Get in touch to schedule a session or learn more about working together.