Two Things Can Be True at Once

There’s a children’s book I remember reading with my kids when they were little.
Something along the lines of:

Ernie is happy. Bert is sad.
Ernie is mad. Bert is glad.

Simple. Clear. Opposites.

And honestly, that’s often how we’re taught to understand emotions from the very beginning. Happy or sad. Calm or anxious. Grateful or frustrated. Confident or insecure.

As children, that black-and-white framework helps us learn emotional language. But as adults, it can quietly create a problem: we begin to believe emotions are mutually exclusive. That if one feeling exists, the opposite feeling must not be true.

But human emotions don’t actually work that way.

Real life is far more layered. More nuanced. More complicated and beautiful than “either/or.”

In my therapy practice, I see this tension all the time—especially in maternal mental health. Women often come in feeling confused, guilty, or ashamed because they’re experiencing emotions that seem contradictory.

They’ll say things like:

“I’m so excited to meet my baby… but I’m terrified of labor.”

“I love my children more than anything… but I also feel overwhelmed and touched out.”

“I’m grateful for this stage of life… but I miss who I used to be.”

“I wanted this pregnancy so badly… so why am I struggling?”

And underneath those questions is often an unspoken belief:

If I feel one thing, I shouldn’t feel the other.

But two things can absolutely be true at once.

You can deeply love your children and still need space.
You can feel grateful and exhausted.
You can feel hopeful and heartbroken.
You can feel relief and grief at the same time.

Holding emotional complexity does not make you inconsistent. It makes you human.

Why This Matters

When we don’t allow room for multiple emotions to coexist, we often turn inward and make meaning about ourselves.

Instead of saying:
“This is a complicated season.”

We say:
“What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I handle this?”

That’s where shame often grows.

Many people spend enormous energy trying to eliminate one emotion so they can fully justify the other. Trying to convince themselves they are only grateful. Only happy. Only fine.

But emotional suppression rarely creates peace. More often, it creates disconnection—from ourselves, from others, and from our actual needs.

The truth is, emotional maturity is not about choosing the “right” feeling. It’s about increasing our capacity to hold complexity without collapsing under it.

Especially in Motherhood

Motherhood seems to amplify emotional duality in ways few experiences do.

You can feel immense joy while simultaneously grieving your freedom.
You can feel connected to your baby while missing parts of your old identity.
You can feel confident one moment and completely uncertain the next.

None of those experiences cancel each other out.

And yet so many mothers feel guilt when hard emotions arise because somewhere along the way they learned:

“If I’m struggling, maybe I’m not grateful enough.”
“If I’m overwhelmed, maybe I’m failing.”
“If this is hard, maybe I’m doing it wrong.”

But struggle and love are not opposites.

In fact, some of the deepest love exists alongside vulnerability, fear, exhaustion, and uncertainty.

Moving From Either/Or to Both/And

One of the most healing shifts we can make emotionally is replacing “either/or” thinking with “both/and” thinking.

Instead of:
“I should be happy.”

Try:
“I’m happy and overwhelmed.”

Instead of:
“I wanted this, so I shouldn’t struggle.”

Try:
“I wanted this and it’s still hard.”

Instead of:
“If I’m anxious, something must be wrong.”

Try:
“I can feel anxious and still be safe.”

That small shift creates space for self-compassion. For honesty. For nervous system regulation. For feeling less at war with yourself.

Because healing often begins when we stop forcing ourselves into emotional extremes and start allowing the full truth of our experience to exist.

Not one emotion or the other.

But both. 🩵