Reassess Your Relations: A Resolution to Create Better Boundaries

Originally published January 3, 2018 on the GoodTherapy.org blog. Reprinted with permission.

It’s that time of year when everyone is setting New Year’s resolutions and thinking about how they can create goals to improve various aspects of their lives. Whether or not you already have a resolution in mind, I invite you to think about your interpersonal relationships and whether your interactions with others tend to bring you satisfaction and feelings of fulfillment—or stress and turmoil.

Having survived the holidays and, perhaps, time with family and friends, stop and consider your overall experience. Did you feel joy in being surrounded by loved ones? Or did you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, resentful, or hurt by demands, criticism, chaos, and conflict? Maybe you experienced a mix of things.

Relationships can be tricky. The people we love and those we are closest to can sometimes cause us the most stress, especially when times are busy and tensions are raised. Even interactions with strangers can be challenging and leave us feeling irritated or deflated. When you find it difficult to act assertively, convey your needs and desires, and uphold appropriate boundaries, it can be impossible to feel content with interpersonal exchanges.

The best way to protect against tension, disorder, and the buildup of negative feelings is by establishing and exercising healthy boundaries. Take a look at the challenges you face in relationships and think about the problems you’ve encountered in various interactions. Do you often feel frustrated or offended in certain situations? Do you find yourself wishing you’d said or done something differently? If so, you may benefit from reassessing and reestablishing better boundaries.

Boundaries are the guidelines and limits we set in relationships that influence our interactions with others. They are like invisible property lines meant to create peace and harmony by providing protection and establishing clear divisions. Boundaries can be conveyed verbally through what we say and nonverbally through our actions and demeanor.

Physical boundaries indicate who we allow to touch us and under what circumstances. Mental boundaries allow us to have our own thoughts and opinions. Emotional boundaries give us permission to have our own feelings and to disengage from the harmful, damaging, manipulative, or abusive actions of others.

Boundaries play a role in your sense of identity and help you recognize who you are as an individual. They are guided by how you feel about yourself and are indicated by the messages you convey to others about how to interact with you. It’s often said that we teach others how to treat us. Our words and actions convey our boundaries and let others know what we expect, what we will tolerate, and where we draw the line.

The healthiest boundaries are well-defined, consistent, and openly communicated, making it easy for others to understand what we will allow and expect. They are also flexible enough to adapt as people or circumstances change. Good boundaries help others understand expectations so they can act accordingly.

Undefined or poorly communicated boundaries, on the other hand, are a breeding ground for disrespect, aggression, and inequality. They can set the stage for conflict, unhealthy dynamics, power imbalances, and dissatisfaction. Weak boundaries may leave us vulnerable to being controlled, taken for granted, or taken advantage of. We may struggle to say no or fear upsetting others, being seen as selfish, or damaging relationships.

Setting appropriate boundaries is essential for emotional safety and well-being. While our boundaries are shaped by early experiences and modeled behaviors, they are not fixed. They can be reassessed and adjusted to meet your current needs and stage of life.

Because boundaries often reflect self-esteem, it’s important to build a sense of worth and believe your needs, wants, and desires matter. Pay attention to internal messages that suggest you don’t deserve respect or happiness. Challenge beliefs that tell you it’s dangerous to rock the boat or upset others. In reality, being honest and direct about needs leads to healthier, more mutually satisfying relationships.

As much as possible, separate yourself from toxic situations or people who continually hurt you or disregard your boundaries. Surround yourself with relationships where you feel heard and respected. Maintain your interests, friendships, and hobbies to preserve your sense of identity and independence. Be cautious about routinely sacrificing your needs to please others.

Develop assertiveness skills so you can speak up, express your needs, and advocate for yourself. When you demonstrate self-respect and confidence, you communicate to others that you expect to be treated with care and consideration—and healthy boundaries naturally follow.