Keep Digging: How to Build Boundaries That Last

Setting boundaries can be one of the most powerful acts of self-care—and also one of the most uncomfortable. We often think that once we’ve set a boundary, the hard part is over. We expect others to understand and respect it. But in reality, setting a boundary is just the beginning.

What comes next is the process of reinforcing it again and again, especially when it shifts the dynamics of a relationship.

A helpful way to think about this is with the image of digging a hole in the sand.

At first, you dig with purpose. You know what you need. You’ve gathered the courage to say, “This doesn’t work for me,” or “I can’t do that right now.” But as soon as you scoop some sand away, more slides in from the sides. It feels like a losing battle—like every time you take a stand, the old patterns try to creep back in.

That sand falling back in? That’s the pushback from others who were used to things being a certain way. It’s your own guilt and second-guessing. It’s the discomfort that comes when people don’t immediately like or accept your boundary. And that’s normal.

Boundaries disrupt the equilibrium in relationships. If you’ve always said yes, your no might feel jarring. If you’ve always made space for someone else’s needs, finally prioritizing your own might be met with confusion, frustration, or even anger. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong—it means the boundary is working. It’s shifting the dynamic.

And just like digging in the sand, the key is to keep going. Keep reinforcing. Keep showing up for yourself.

Eventually, the hole takes shape. The boundary is established. The people who can respect your limits will adjust. The ones who can’t may drift away—and while that can be painful, it often creates space for healthier dynamics to emerge. Most importantly, your nervous system begins to recognize that it’s safe to take up space, to say no, to protect your energy.

So if you're in the messy middle of boundary-setting—if it feels like you're digging and digging but not making progress—hang in there. The sand might fall in at first, but over time, your efforts will hold. The boundary will be respected. The hole will stay dug.

And you’ll stand a little taller in the space you’ve claimed for yourself.

Tips for Reinforcing Boundaries

• Be direct, firm, and assertive. Say what you mean without apologizing for your needs. Clear, calm language reduces confusion and makes the boundary easier to understand.
• Stay consistent. Boundaries need repetition to stick. You don’t need to explain or justify every time—just calmly repeat what you’ve already communicated.
  
• Expect discomfort. It’s normal to feel guilty or uncertain. Discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing the wrong thing—it means you’re doing something new.
  
• Notice the shifts. As you hold your boundary, pay attention to how others respond. Are they growing with you, or resisting your growth?
  
• Celebrate your progress. Every time you hold your boundary, you build self-trust—and that’s worth acknowledging.
  
  

Setting boundaries isn’t easy—but it’s transformational. Keep digging. Your peace is worth the effort.

If you’d like more guidance on understanding and setting boundaries, check out my Building Better Boundaries Workshop here.