Lessons from 13 Reasons Why: Talking to Kids About Tough Topics
Sharing this article in honor of Safer Internet Day (February 10). In today’s world, kids have unprecedented access to media content, from streaming shows to social platforms—gone are the days when intense or mature content only aired late at night. It’s more important than ever for parents to be actively involved, having ongoing conversations with their children about what they watch and experience online.
I originally wrote this article in 2017 in response to controversy surrounding the Netflix series 13 Reasons Why. While the series concluded after four seasons, it remains available on Netflix, and the lessons around involved parenting and open communication remain important today.
Trigger Warning:
This article discusses themes related to suicide, mental health, bullying, and trauma. If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out to a trusted professional or a crisis resource (for example, in the U.S. call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline).
The Reason Why We Must Pay Attention to the Lessons in Thirteen Reasons Why
A few weeks ago I had two people I work with in my private practice reference the Netflix original series, Thirteen Reasons Why. This captivating mini-series, based on the 2007 teen fiction book of the same title by best-selling author, Jay Asher, follows the story of Hannah Baker, a high school student who commits suicide, leaving behind 13 audio recordings detailing the stories and reasons behind her tragic decision to end her life.
The first person that mentioned this series to me talked about offering support to a classmate who opened up about her own struggles after being triggered by the show’s mention of suicide. The next person who referenced the show talked about how deeply the series impacted him. We discussed how he identified with the “if only” and “I wish I would have” thoughts of another main character, Clay Jensen, the friend and crush Hannah left behind.
Recognizing that this show seemed to be an emotional and thought-provoking peek into the life of many teens and young adult consumers, I decided to watch the show myself and have since been hearing a lot of chatter regarding this controversial and eye-opening series.
The show has gotten criticism for “glorying suicide” and some are concerned that it will highlight suicide as a viable and easy option for those battling depression or facing the pain of bullying, or that it will result in copycat behaviors by teens starved for attention or looking for relief from their struggles. Apparently, several schools around the nation have sent home letters to parents cautioning them against allowing their children to watch the show and various mom groups have started campaigns to block the show from their homes.
Concerns regarding the romanticizing of suicide or the depiction of suicide as a viable option to coping with life’s struggles are valid; however, I believe this leap to fear misses the major point and objective of the show. Series writer, Nic Sheff, writes in Vanity Fair of the positive impact he believes Thirteen Reasons Why provides. He talks about the series “offering hope to young people, letting them know they are not alone–that somebody out there gets them” and states his position that, “Facing these issues head-on—talking about them, being open about them—will always be our best defense against losing another life.”
Fortunately, the life lost in this series was fictitious, yet the made-up life of Hannah Baker sheds light on several important issues we all need to open our eyes to. The suicide factor, albeit a major theme of the show, is only one aspect to the many difficult topics brought to the table. What the show does so well is highlight some of the major issues that contribute to the challenges that teenagers—and any of us—are vulnerable to. Bullying, rumor spreading, sexual harassment, rape, trauma, homophobia, neglect, and drug/alcohol use are all major issues present in our society and things that can quickly escalate to the point of significantly damaging or even destroying a life. Yet, often times, people are afraid to confront these topics and instead turn a blind eye or have the tendency to sweep them under the rug.
It is important for parents, teachers, school counselors, and therapists to be aware of this show’s existence and to open the doors to communication. When something provocative and controversial like Thirteen Reasons Why comes out, rather than panic or forbid our kids to watch it, we need to seize the opportunity and use the material as a teaching moment, allowing us to begin conversations about topics that are otherwise difficult to initiate. Instead of trying to shelter our kids from these types of shows, movies, or novels, we need to recognize that the topics depicted are things our kids likely already experience, or at least may be surrounded by in their schools, peer groups, and on social media. Shielding them from the show does not in turn protect them from the struggles and potential harm that already exist in their world.
The show is out there and it’s not going away. If you do have or know of a child or friend who may be interested in the show, especially those who are at risk for depression, self-injurious behaviors, or suicidal ideation, encourage them to watch the show with a parent or trusted mentor, rather than alone, so that the material can be processed and discussed through productive and healthy dialogue.
For me, the biggest take away from the show is the realization that we need to be thoughtful regarding how our words and actions may impact the lives of others. The show highlights how influential various relationships and interactions can be. Even seemingly minor incidents may be deeply scarring to somebody when it happens amid a host of other setbacks. Further, we also need to be cognizant that how we view or interpret the actions of others may not be completely accurate. We all have stories we tell ourselves regarding why things happen or why others do the things they do and these stories may or may not line up to what’s true or real for that person. We never truly know what is going on in other people’s worlds, but we need to be aware that even the smallest of actions can have a major impact. Thus, it is important for us all to be more compassionate and understanding of one another.
Only in being kind and respectful, and in learning to effectively communicate, can we find healthy solutions to problems and positive ways to cope with the struggles we face. As Clay Jenson says in the final episode, “It has to get better—the way we treat each other and lookout for each other—it has to get better somehow.” The way to make this happen is by talking, not shying away from difficult conversations or hiding from painful topics, and instead ensuring that honesty and effective communication, along with compassion and kindness, are the lessons our children receive.
Reference:
Sheff, N. (April 19, 2007). 13 Reasons Why Writer: Why we Didn’t Shy Away
From Hannah’s Suicide. Vanity Fair. Retrieved from: http://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2017/04/13-reasons-why-suicide-controversy-nic-sheff-writer
Originally published on GoodTherapy.org on May 16th, 2017. Republished here with permission.
Practical Tips for Keeping Kids Safer on the Internet
- Co-view and co-play: Watch shows, play games, or explore apps with your child to understand the content and model healthy media use.
- Discuss content actively: Ask questions about what they see and how it makes them feel. Normalize emotions and validate their reactions.
- Set boundaries: Use parental controls thoughtfully, but focus on guidance rather than strict censorship.
- Share coping strategies: Teach kids how to pause, take a break, or seek support if content is overwhelming.
- Maintain ongoing dialogue: Don’t wait for a crisis to talk about difficult topics. Regular, open communication strengthens trust and understanding.
Resource Reminder:
If you or someone you know is in crisis or thinking about suicide, contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (US) by dialing 988, or visit your local emergency services.
