What Happened to You?
A Conversation That’s Changing How We Heal
In What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing? by Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey, the authors take us on a powerful journey of understanding trauma—not through the lens of “What’s wrong with you?” but through the more compassionate and transformative question: What happened to you?
This simple shift in perspective opens the door to profound healing.
Neglect is as Toxic as Trauma
One of the most striking ideas in the book is that neglect is as toxic as trauma. When we think about trauma, we often imagine extreme or acute events—violence, abuse, catastrophe.
But Dr. Perry reminds us that a lack of connection, attunement, and presence in early life can be just as damaging as overt trauma.
Neglect deprives the developing brain of the relational nourishment it needs to grow and thrive. Whether emotional or physical, experiences of neglect shape who we become and often disrupt the nervous system’s ability to regulate effectively.
Trauma Wasn’t Always Part of the Mental Health Conversation
Only two decades ago, trauma was rarely considered a meaningful factor in someone’s health—especially mental health. The idea that early life experiences shape not just how we feel, but how our bodies develop and respond to stress, is still considered revolutionary in some spaces.
But the science is clear: trauma reshapes the brain. It changes how we process, how we connect, and how we cope. And we can’t just talk our way out of those patterns.
Regulation is the Key to Connection
One of the most practical insights in the book is the idea that regulation is the key to creating a safe connection. Before someone can connect, listen, reflect, or learn—they have to be regulated. That means their nervous system needs to feel safe.
This is why trauma-informed therapy focuses so much on grounding, pacing, rhythm, and relationship—not just on talk and retelling the story. A person can’t access insight when their nervous system is in survival mode. Safety must come first.
Therapy is Not Deletion. It’s Construction.
Another powerful metaphor Dr. Perry uses is that therapy isn’t about going in and undoing what’s happened. “Whatever your past experiences created in your brain, the association exists and you can’t just delete them.”
Instead, therapy is like building a four-lane highway alongside a two-lane dirt road. The old road may still be there—but over time, with practice, the new path becomes smoother, faster, and more natural to travel. In other words, healing doesn’t erase our pain, but it gives us better, safer ways to move through life.
Ancient Wisdom, Modern Science
As a therapist who deeply values the role of somatic work in healing—and who also appreciates a little “woo” in the process—I’m continually fascinated by how modern trauma research affirms what ancient healing practices have long known. Many traditional approaches to healing trauma are rooted in practices such as:
- Connection to clan and the natural world
- Regulating rhythm through dance, drumming, and song
- A shared set of beliefs and stories that create meaning out of suffering
- Guided use of natural substances in sacred healing rituals
Today’s best practices in trauma treatment—such as EMDR and other somatic modalities—can be seen as modern expressions of these same foundational elements. And yet, few trauma programs fully integrate all four.
This reinforces the importance of holistic care. Healing isn’t just cognitive; it’s relational, physical, spiritual, and embodied. Whether we’re drumming in a circle or sitting quietly in a therapy room, the essence remains the same: safety, rhythm, meaning, and connection.
If you’re curious about what this kind of healing could look like for you, we’d be honored to connect. My team and I are here to listen to your story, support your nervous system, and draw on the latest neuroscience to guide your healing journey.
And if you’re looking to deepen your understanding of trauma and healing, I highly recommend What Happened to You? It’s eye-opening and an easy listen on Audible that beautifully blends science and compassion—and it could offer a powerful new lens for seeing yourself and those you care about.
