Breaking the Cycle: Emotional Regulation & Reparenting Through Therapy
Trauma isn’t stored in the language centers of the brain. In fact, it resides in a more primal, visceral part of our being—manifesting in the body and through visual imagery. This idea is central to understanding how trauma impacts our emotional regulation and relationships throughout our lives.
The Early Foundations of Emotional Regulation
From the moment we’re born, our nervous systems are in a delicate dance between two opposing forces: the sympathetic system (the “fight, flight, freeze” response) and the parasympathetic system (the calming, grounded response). For infants, these states are constantly fluctuating. Babies experience abrupt shifts from activation (feeling stressed, scared, or overwhelmed) to calmness, sometimes within moments. It’s a raw, intense experience as they don’t yet have the cognitive ability to process or articulate their feelings.
During this early stage, babies rely heavily on their caregivers, who serve as anchors, helping them modulate these shifting states. Through safe, consistent interactions and facial expressions, caregivers provide a stabilizing influence that helps the child return to a state of calm. In the process, children "borrow" the emotional regulation abilities of their caregivers, especially their parents’ prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain that helps process emotions and navigate complex situations.
The Role of Attachment in Emotional Development
Think about how your parents or primary caregivers modeled emotional regulation for you. If they were able to remain calm in times of stress, express their feelings in a healthy way, and emotionally attune to you, you likely grew up with better emotional regulation skills.
However, if your caregivers struggled with managing their own emotions or weren’t consistently available to support you, it could have made it harder for you to learn how to regulate your emotions as well.
Secure attachment in childhood forms the foundation for healthy emotional regulation. Securely attached children feel safe enough to explore the world because they trust their caregivers to provide stability and care when they are distressed. They learn to modulate their emotions through these interactions, which serves them well as they grow older. When emotional regulation skills are developed early on, individuals are better equipped to manage stress, relationships, and life challenges.
However, for those who didn’t experience this secure attachment, emotional regulation can become much more difficult. A lack of consistent, available attachment leads to affect dysregulation. This means that the person’s ability to control or balance their emotions becomes impaired, creating emotional extremes—either too little or too much emotional activation.
Reenacting Childhood Attachment Patterns
Childhood attachment patterns are rarely left behind in childhood. Instead, they often get reenacted and perpetuated in adolescence and adulthood. As children, we form emotional templates for how we relate to others, and these patterns tend to stick. If attachment wasn’t secure, these dysfunctional patterns can resurface in relationships later on.
For some, reaching out to others becomes more painful than hiding their emotions. They may struggle with intimacy or feel intensely anxious about the possibility of rejection. Others may react with hypervigilance, staying constantly on edge and ready for the worst. These emotional patterns are often ingrained and can result in self-destructive behaviors, such as withdrawing or engaging in negative thought patterns.
One powerful video illustrating this is Ed Tronick's Still Face Experiment. It demonstrates how babies react when their caregivers suddenly stop providing emotional attunement. The baby experiences visible distress as they try to regain the connection. This short video is a stark reminder of how crucial early attachment is to healthy emotional development.
Types of Affective Dysregulation
Affective dysregulation can manifest in two main ways: hypoarousal and hyperarousal.
- Hypoarousal: This state is characterized by a lack of emotional response or connection. Individuals who experience hypoarousal might appear detached, passive, or numb. They might struggle to feel emotions, becoming withdrawn, submissive, or even adopting a victim mentality. This can also show up as avoidance or dissociation from their bodies.
- Hyperarousal: On the other hand, hyperarousal presents as being easily triggered, feeling constantly on edge, or having a heightened sensitivity to emotional or environmental stress. This can lead to heightened anxiety, emotional overwhelm, separation anxiety, or rejection sensitivity. Individuals in this state may find themselves frequently overwhelmed by their emotions and are often in a state of chronic stress or hypervigilance.
Both of these states—hypoarousal and hyperarousal—are rooted in the nervous system’s inability to properly regulate stress responses. The individual becomes more sensitive to perceived threats, whether emotional, relational, or environmental. Over time, this chronic state of dysregulation can lead to self-destructive behaviors, as the person tries to manage or escape their emotional pain.
It's Never Too Late for Healing
The good news is that it’s never too late to heal. Through therapeutic processes—such as trauma therapy, mindfulness, and attachment-based interventions—individuals can retrain their nervous systems and develop the emotional regulation skills that may have been missed in childhood. This healing process is often referred to as reparenting: learning to nurture yourself with the same care, protection, and emotional support you may not have received when you needed it most.
Reparenting allows you to grow up the parts of yourself that were frozen in time. The emotional parts of you that were never fully developed can be nurtured and healed, helping you create healthier relationships and a more grounded emotional experience.
And when you do this work, you're not just healing yourself—you’re breaking generational cycles of dysfunction. The patterns you interrupt in your own life no longer have to be passed down. As you strengthen your capacity for emotional regulation, you naturally model and create a more secure, supportive environment for your children. Your healing becomes a gift to the next generation.
Healing from Trauma and Emotional Dysregulation
Our ability to manage our emotional states is directly tied to the attachment experiences we had as children. When attachment was secure, we are more likely to develop healthy emotional regulation skills. But for those who didn’t experience consistent, secure attachment, trauma and emotional dysregulation can follow us into adulthood.
The good news is that healing is possible. By understanding how trauma affects our bodies and emotions, we can take steps to rewire our nervous systems and heal the wounds of our past. It’s never too late to reclaim your emotional well-being, break free from inherited patterns, and start the journey of reparenting yourself—not only for your own growth, but to pave the way for healthier generations to come.
Reference: Tronick, E. (1978). The Still Face Experiment. University of Massachusetts, Department of Psychology.
