Acceptance and Forgiveness: Two Pathways to Healing

When life hurts us—through loss, betrayal, abuse, or unmet needs—we often hear advice to “forgive and move on” or to “just accept what is.” These ideas are simple in theory, yet incredibly complex in practice.

For years, I’ve worked with clients who have grappled with the fallout of abuse, dysfunction, and unfair circumstances. Along the way, I’ve also been collecting quotes on acceptance and forgiveness—trying to tease apart the differences between the two, and exploring how each can serve the healing journey.

Here’s what I’ve learned: Acceptance sets us free in the present moment. Forgiveness invites us to release the past. Neither means condoning harm or minimizing our pain. Instead, both are acts of reclaiming our peace and stepping into our own healing.

What Acceptance Really Means

Acceptance is the practice of acknowledging reality as it is, not as we wish it to be. This might sound obvious, but most of us spend enormous amounts of energy resisting what is. We replay “shoulds,” cling to fantasies of how life could have gone, or struggle to make sense of circumstances that feel unfair.

As Melody Beattie writes in The Language of Letting Go:

“We do not achieve acceptance in a moment. We often have to work through a mirage of feelings—sometimes anger, outrage, shame, self-pity, or sadness…For anything to change or anyone to change, we must first accept ourselves, others, and the circumstances exactly as they are.”

For survivors, acceptance can mean facing painful truths:

This did happen to me.
I did not get what I needed and deserved.
I cannot change the past or who this person is.
I cannot change what I did or did not receive, but I can choose how I care for myself now.

It’s essential to be clear: acceptance does not mean approval. It does not mean what happened was okay. Abuse, neglect, and betrayal are never acceptable. Acceptance simply means stopping the exhausting inner battle with reality long enough to say: This is my truth. And I deserve healing from it.

Beattie reminds us:

“So much of our anguish is created when we are in resistance. So much relief, release, and change are possible when we accept, simply accept.”

Acceptance allows us to feel our emotions fully—rage, grief, disappointment, heartbreak—without shame. When we honor our feelings rather than repress them, we open the door to growth and clarity.

What Forgiveness Really Means

If acceptance is about the present, forgiveness is about the past. For many survivors, forgiveness can feel complicated—even offensive—when it is presented as a requirement. But forgiveness is not about condoning abuse or excusing poor behavior. It’s about releasing the grip that resentment holds over our lives.

Fred Luskin, Ph.D., puts it this way:

“To forgive is to release someone from the obligation of who you want them to be and simply accept them for who they are.”

Forgiveness, at its core, is for you, not for the person who hurt you. Oprah Winfrey expressed it powerfully:

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different.”

Jack Kornfield echoes this:

“Forgiving means giving up all hope for a better past.”

Without forgiveness, we may remain tethered to old pain, still entangled in the harm done. As Lance Morrow warns:

“Not to forgive is to be imprisoned by the past…The present is endlessly overwhelmed and devoured by the past. Forgiveness frees the forgiver.”

And Lewis B. Smeades offers a striking truth:

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

The Survivor’s Perspective

For those who have endured abuse or neglect, forgiveness often feels like a mountain too steep to climb. That’s because forgiveness cannot bypass anger, grief, or outrage. As the saying goes: you can’t do forgiveness until you do anger.

Feeling your feelings is not only valid—it’s necessary. Survivors have every right to grieve the childhood they didn’t get, to rage against the harm they endured, and to mourn the loss of safety, trust, or innocence. Acceptance here looks like saying:

I didn’t get the love and care I needed.
It hurts that my parent couldn’t show up for me.
The abuse or dysfunction was not my fault, and I deserved better.

Forgiveness, if it comes, can only come after this truth-telling and feeling. And even then, it is always a choice—not a requirement.

What Forgiveness Is—And Isn’t

It’s especially important to remember:

Forgiveness is not condoning harm.
Forgiveness is not reconciliation—you can forgive and still never speak to or trust someone again.
Forgiveness is not minimizing your pain or denying what happened.

Instead:

Forgiveness is reclaiming your power from the story of hurt.
Forgiveness is about your healing, not theirs.
Forgiveness is a choice you can make—or not make—and either way, you are not failing.

As Luskin reminds us:

“Forgiveness is the peace you learn to feel when you stop renting out too much space in your mind to a grievance story.”

The Relationship Between Acceptance and Forgiveness

Though distinct, acceptance and forgiveness are deeply connected. Acceptance grounds us in truth: This did happen. This is how I feel. This is where I am now.

From there, forgiveness becomes an option—but never an obligation. For some, forgiveness may not feel safe or possible, and that is okay. Healing does not depend on forgiving the unforgivable. Healing depends on reclaiming your voice, your safety, and your sense of worth.

Acceptance is the soil. Forgiveness is the flower that may or may not bloom. Even without the flower, the soil itself sustains life.

A Gentle Practice

If forgiveness feels impossible, start with acceptance:

Acknowledge what happened.
Honor your feelings—anger, grief, rage, sadness.
Remind yourself that acceptance is not condoning. It is simply choosing honesty with yourself.

When and if forgiveness feels right, it can be explored. Louise Hay offered a simple affirmation:

“I forgive you for not being the way I wanted you to be. I forgive you and I set you free.”

Acceptance and forgiveness are lifelong practices. Take your time exploring these concepts, return to them as needed, and give yourself patience along the way. The more you engage with them, the more whole and grounded you will feel—and in doing so, you also help to break cycles of pain and bring healing to yourself and future generations.

✨ Reflection Prompt: What truth in your life is asking for acceptance right now? What might shift if you allowed yourself to feel your feelings without judgment?

✨ Optional Forgiveness Prompt: If forgiveness feels safe for you, where might releasing resentment give you more freedom, regardless of the other person’s actions?